10 May 2010
White Trash Family
Upon first glance, there were only a few tables occupied. As we waited to be seated, some white trash woman wearing a tank top (no bra) and sweatpants walked past me and exited the restaurant and said "You'll wait 30 minutes for a pop" in a deep man voice, similar to Kathleen Turner's voice. I was puzzled, but ignored it. I hate it when strangers talk to me for no reason, and this bitch was certainly no exception.
When we walked around the corner to the dining area, we noticed a very large (both in size and quantity of people) family occupying the entire back half of the restaurant. A booth lined the entire back wall and instead of occupying one or two tables, this family scattered themselves everywhere.
Our waitress came to take our order and as soon as she brought our beverages, the complaining started. According to one of the daughters (aged 20-something), they had been there for 30 minutes and had no food and they waited forever for their pop. Who the fuck says pop anyway? It's soda you dumb bitch.
There were a few couples and a few children (all adult age). A good mix of mother/father and uncle/aunt combo. The woman who sounded like Kathleen Turner came back inside from a smoke break and was served her food. While she and her husband ate, the rest of the family complained about how they hoped they enjoyed the food because everyone else had to wait.
The elderly waitress was waiting on them and explained that they had to send two staff home and so there was only one cook and they were doing the best they could. Any compassionate human being would have stopped complaining after that and just sucked it up. Our snaggle-tooth waitress came over and explained the same thing and I smiled at her and said "it's okay. shit happens" and she was grateful for our patience.
We were there about an hour. Within that hour, all I heard was this family talking shit about both waitresses, hassling the cook, and taking at least 37 smoke breaks. There was even a point in time when at least 5 police cars sped by with lights flashing and sirens blaring and it didn't take long for most of the family members to run outside to be nosy.
There was one lady in particular, a real gem, who was the worst. She was real disgusting like-nasty teeth, horrible outfit, and a haircut that even the 80's would have rejected. She complained the entire time about not getting enough pop, her food being late, and when her sirloin tips were delivered, she complained that there were onions in them. The waitress offered to bring it back and she refused because she didn't want to wait any longer. She even referred to our waitress as "tubby wubby"; meanwhile, she's packing DD tits, a few spare tires around her torso, and a very large FUPA to boot. Tubby wubby? That's you lady. Look in the mirror as you spill sirloin tips and mashed potatoes on your clearly unwashed tank top and in your greasy, frizzy hair that's resting in your pile of gravy.
The elderly waitress was really patient with the white trash family. Instead of getting upset while they complained about the cook, and threatened to get the other waitress fired because she forgot their "pop", she asked them questions about where they're from and why they're here. The couple who got their food first drove down from Michigan and the other ones flew here. Guess why?
While the sirloin tip bitch was stuffing her face, a woman I believed to be her daughter would not shut her damn mouth. "This is bullshit. I've been here for a fucking hour and a half. I ordered pancakes. How long does it take to get pancakes?" Meantime, I whispered to Emily that I really hoped our food came out before theirs did. And guess what. It did. And as soon as it did, it was literally a redneck verbal explosion in the back of the restaurant.
To make matters worse, there was an Indian guy attempting to enjoy a cup of coffee while he attempted to look up my skirt. I was sitting in the booth, wearing a skirt but my legs were crossed, and I knew the most this perv could see was my knees, but that didn't stop him from peering over his creepy Coke bottle glasses to get a good look at my goodies. I told him he wasn't gonna get a free show, but I don't think he heard me because he kept peering over the top of his glasses while tilting his head down. Creeper.
While Emily and I were eating, a couple next to us were damn near falling asleep because there food still hadn't arrived. The Indian guy asked us how long we had been waiting and Emily replied we hadn't been waiting that long. Then at least two fat white trash bitches pipe up from the back of the restaurant and say "We've been waiting two fucking hours!" (keep in mind their idea of time was moving way faster than the actual clock. They said they got there at quarter to midnight and when we left, it had only been an hour and fifteen minutes that they had been there). Then Emily says "he wasn't asking you. he was asking us" and they just glared at her.
After we had completed our mediocre meal (while enduring an hour of constant bitching and whining from the back and the sides of the restaurant) our waitress brought our bill. I was really concerned for the elderly waitress that these fuck sticks would stiff her on the tip. They kept saying "oh, it's not your fault. it's still fucking bullshit, but no, it's not your fault". Clearly, they're basically saying they didn't care whose fault it was. They even went so far as to say "can we get some free pop for having to wait for so long?" Can you imagine if they have to wait in line during their cruise? They're gonna be those people and complain and try to get free shit they don't deserve.
The bill was only $18.95. I paid with my debit card but asked my waitress for two ten dollar bills in exchange for my $20 bill. We traded and then I explained to her I wanted her to keep $10 and give the other $10 to the other waitress. She looked shocked, but I told her I had a bad feeling neither of them were going to be tipped well all night. Usually, I wouldn't fork over a $10 tip at IHOP on a barely $20 bill, but I felt someone had to. These poor waitresses were not at fault for being short staffed in the kitchen. Our waitress did as instructed and took the other $10 to the elderly waitress, who didn't hesitate to come over to our table. I explained to her that she was doing a good job and the $10 was because I knew she wouldn't get a good tip, if at all, from the classy family in the back.
They had also talked about having to leave together because they all came in the same van. When Emily and I left for the night, we walked past said van. Holy shit. How ridiculous! The van (keep in mind there were approximately 10 people in this white trash party) only had two seats. Two in the front. The van appeared to have no seating in the back whatsoever. Not even sure it had windows on the sides, just on the back door and in the front. It was like they were being herded like cattle into the back of the van, which is obviously fitting for them.
I learned a few lessons from this late night IHOP trip.
1. Never go to IHOP at night. Or ever.
2. Find it in your heart (and wallet) to over compensate on your bill when you know an elderly waitress is going to get stiffed.
3. Nasty fat white people with bad teeth, bad manners, and loud raspy voices are white trash. It's prejudiced but goddamnit, it's true.
4. These people absorbed the definition of white trash in their rolls of fat, bad manners, and horrific attitudes to the point someone needs to invent another word for white trash.
Can you imagine these fuckers waiting in line for a roller coaster? Not only would their bodies be sticky from sweat and spilled sugary pop 'tween their tits, but they would no doubt have extreme body odor coming from places on their bodies that shouldn't exist in the first place (see FUPA), but they would be obnoxious as all hell, completely ruining everyone else's good time. They should be banned from cruises, Disney, restaurants, public, and basically life.
I hope someone gives you all a "pop" in the head so you all go overboard on your cruise and get lost at sea. You deserve it. Oh, and sirloin tip bitch, you need to put this sign on your overly large back so we at least have warning that you're around.